Bio continued. But you said...
At first, I spent SO much time determined I was going to die and it was what it was. If the rest of my life involved being on the 'death ward' with loads of old people being wheeled out in black body bags EVERY night, and being bathed by my mother, being held on the toilet so I didn't fall off, it was no loss (to me). I accepted it. But then I was given hope, I had taken steps, I had walked, (almost) unaided. To get me to do the physiotherapy, they had assured me if I worked hard, I MIGHT WALK AGAIN. -be able to use the toilet again, alone. OH MY GOD! So, I started toward my recovery. I don't remember where I was when it happened, my bed would be wheeled all over the gaff, the long trails of lights was a view I was familiar with, but it was dark in there, where ever 'there' was and it was the usual spiel, I had ADHD, remember? So, I tuned out. Then it happened, they said it. THE WORD that made my recovery all the more complicated and filled me with terror and confusion at their lies. They said I wasn't going to die. Then they said it. IT. The word. THAT word. 'ANEURYSM' I immediately cried out. 'HOME & AWAY' Before I go any further, I need to explain. Home & Away was a soap I watched religiously. (I was 15 - leave me alone) Anyways, in that soap there was a character Alan Fischer. Those of you who watched it then will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. He was the illegitimate son of the school headmaster, a bad boy, absolutely gorgeous, who had turned up in summer bay (where the soap was set) to stir up trouble because he had an aneurysm and it was inoperable, he was dying. And after we followed the characters eventual redemption in the eyes of his father, he died in Bobby's arms on the beach. After we got to know him and his struggle, he died. Why? HIS BLOODY ANEURYSM BURST!(see pic of it happening below)
So back to the story. I'm 15? I'm thinking, HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW ABOUT THAT? WHY ARE THEY SAYING THIS? YOU SAID, I WOULDN'T DIE. Did YOU lie? My mum rushes toward me, stroking my hair. "Aw, baby you missing Home & Away?" I'm like, what is wrong with you? EVERYONE watches this shit, HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT? No, No, No, No.' I scream out. "HE HAD AN ANEURYSM AND HE DIED!" I felt terrified and SO betrayed. YOU SAID I WOULDN'T DIE. WHY ARE YOU BLOODY LYING? And how can you not watch Home & Away? WTF is wrong with you people? (I kid you not- THAT is what I was thinking) I am 15? FAIRLY intelligent? (despite not realizing doctors don't have time to watch stupid soaps and neither does your mother because she is WORKING?) Why did no-one sit with me and explain, there are inoperable aneurysms but there are also operable ones? I DON'T KNOW- but they DIDN'T. They spoke to my mum, who WAS indeed now panicking and reassured HER, this was the operable kind. I wasn't (to the best of my memory, which is indeed flaky at best) EVER sat down and given an explanation as to what the hell was happening with MY body. Sadly, 27 years later, I STILL know very little about the in's and out's of that time. I only have my experience which was terrifying at best. But I have ADHD? I dealt with all this, the ADHD way. Afterwards, I pretended it NEVER happened. I wasn't the girl who had a brain haemorrhage, I was the girl who never had one. Everyone said, at the time, 'Oh, you're so brave.' At the time, I didn't feel brave, because they saw at the one time I was excited because people were visiting. They didn't see me crying at night because I was so lonely afraid and bored. It was painful at the time and so afterwards, I didn't want to think about it AT ALL. I JUST WANTED TO BE LIKE THE OTHER KIDS. Visiting IT now, for you, in this, I'm amazed at how much I forgot, it wasn't all bad and the next post will be the funny stories that fill ths terrible time.
